November 2022

We humans always find people who are like us and love to hang out with those, who have similar interests as ours. And eventually, we accept their qualities and become like them. Even though we do not admit the fact, the people who surround us have a deep influence on our lives. Thus, we should be extremely careful about whom we let into our inner or private circle of life. 

Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker once said that we become like the five people we spent the most time with in our entire lives, so we should choose them carefully. It is also inevitable that by spending most of our days time with them, we are surely going to inherit their habits and start behaving as they do. Thus, you should have a keen watch over the people who are around you. It is not always that both of your interests should be at the same pace and match exactly 100%. It’s definitely not so. But what is important is that the people who surround you should be positive, have a positive mindset, makes you happy, encourages you to be better, and you are proud to have them. If the answer to all these questions is no, then you should definitely rethink your decision of being with them. The quality of your life greatly depends on the people with whom you are surrounded. So, you should be very careful while letting people enter your inner circle. 

Hang out with people who themselves are successful and encourage you to be the same, who are compassionate about what they do, who enjoy life, those who have some goals & dreams in life and work hard towards accomplishing them, and who have similar life values as you do. 

Do we like to be around people who are similar to us?

Well, large-scale research has been done on this topic, proving that we humans connect more with those, who are similar to us. According to psychologists, the reasons for this are complex. Also, understanding the fact is important, that having a lot of common liking between two people and believing that there is a common interest between those two are two different aspects. These two saying are somewhat related to each other but not exactly the same, as assumptions often tend to get wrong. Also initially assuming about someone that we have a lot in common and when actually knowing about each other, you conclude that your wavelengths do not match, it hurts. 

Researchers such as Amanda Fisher Boyd, Adam Hampton, and Susan Sprecher have proposed and studied various reasons why similarities between two people increase their liking for one another. 

• Consensual validation- Two people who have the same attitude make each other feel confident about their attitudes toward the world. If you like electro-funk music, someone who has a similar interest will surely connect to you faster. Then both of them will get each other’s acceptance. 
• Certainty of being liked- If someone has a lot of points in common with us, then he is more likely to like us more and in return, we also like them, if we think so. 
• Cognitive Evaluation- Cognitive evaluation is a feature where we form expressions about others regarding the information that we have in hand. Through this, we feel a connection with the person and can analyze what qualities are common between the two of us. You also feel positivity about the person as they can match your vibrations. Cognitive Evaluation helps us assume that the other person is exactly like us with somewhat similar positive characteristics. 
• Self-Expansion Opportunity- According to this theory, you can conclude, that the benefit of acquainting with new people and spending time with them is that you also get to learn various new things, and gain new experiences & knowledge. Even in the true sense, if you connect with someone who is dissimilar to you, then you tend to gain more knowledge, learn new & exciting things, and get to learn about new stuff that you haven’t done before. But as per the research, we humans do not try any unconventional way and interact with people who have similar interests as ours. 
• Enjoyable & Fun interactions- Psychologically if we think, it is more cool and easy to hang out with those, whom we are quite familiar with and share some common grounds of interest. 

How to surround yourself with good people

In the words of  Tony Robbins, a famous American author, we all want success. It might be in the field of business, the field of relationships, or the field of finances. But to find fulfillment in all these areas, you need to surround yourself with positive people, who can raise your standards and help you grow and succeed in life. Getting rid of people who impact your life with negativity is really important, as they pull you down. 

Proximity is power key, as the people with whom we spend our maximum time, are who we ultimately become. In order to reach new heights of success we need to be surrounded by inspiring and positive people who challenge our inner potential. This process is not easy but trusts me, it is worth it for your bright and better future. Listed below are some points that will assist you in knowing how to be surrounded by positive people.

• We all have certain goals in our life so you should be in constant search of such people who share the same ambition as yours and helps you to grow.
• Letting go of negative relationships is the best way to stay away from toxicity. Thus, you should look for good people who can change your mindset and help you be yourself.
• Identifying positive people who can be a part of your inner circle is extremely important. Positive people are usually smart and hardworking people, who are dreamers and positive thinkers. 
• In order to accelerate your success, it is extremely important to surround yourself with positive people. For finding someone to connect with you can either join a professional group or connect with a life coach. 

Final Words:

I Gordon Grigg, a business consultant and life coach from Nashville, Tennessee hope that this guide has shown you the true meaning of the phrase, ‘Birds of the same feather flock together.’ Through this study, you might have understood that people with the same liking may connect to each other extremely well but it is more important that they should have a positive mindset and leaves a favorable impact on your lives. Relationships are a long-term journey, so we should be very particular in choosing the people who are in the inner circle of life. So, now I hope that you will look deep into the inner circle of your life and filter out all the negative people and try to find and surround yourself with those who give you positivity & motivation to flourish in life. 

Sometimes the depth of the wound is way too deep, especially when people whom we trust the most hurt us, or we become victims of a brutal crime, or get harshly bullied. Only the persons who are going through that excruciating pain can understand how badly their inner world is disrupted. The only medicine, to get out of this is forgiveness. 

What is forgiveness? 

According to psychologists, forgiveness is a consciously taken deliberate decision that helps you relieve the feelings of vengeance and resentment towards those who have hurt us. They have also explained that forgiving someone does not mean that you deny the seriousness of the insult the person has done to you and it also does not mean forgetting or excusing offenses. Though, the act of forgiving can help you reconcile with the person again and also release them from any legal accountabilities. 

Experts also say that forgiveness helps the forgiver to be in the best and positive peace of mind, free from any corrosive anger. Are you wondering if having positive feelings in the heart is necessary to forgive the offender? Well, if not the positive feelings, the act of forgiveness helps the sufferer to let go of deep & harsh negative feelings. Forgiveness also helps you to heal and move forward in life. This is all about what science and psychologists say, but now we will learn what Jesus, our God has preached about forgiveness. 

God said that forgiveness has been drowned out in this world of noise. He said, that the world around us is full of all kinds of pain, malice, and hatred. We should learn from God, as in Bible, we must have read, how wrongly people used to talk to him, but every time he kept his calm, forgave them, and kept walking in the Holy Spirit. 

In Ephesians 4:31-32, it’s mentioned, ”Get rid of all the bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Some Key reasons why you should forgive the unforgivable 

It is difficult for our flesh to grasp forgiveness, thus it has become vital for us humans to draw closer to God. Whenever someone hurts, you should keep in the mind the below-mentioned key reasons as to why you should forgive them. 

• Because God forgave you- This is one of the most obvious reasons that we are already aware of. Our lord, Jesus Christ is full of love; he forgives the sins of his children, whenever they sincerely ask for it. In our everyday prayer too, we say, ”Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Not only we should forgive our sinners because God forgives us, but we should do the act of forgiveness because we love him and have promised to live our lives according to his word. 
• Because the act of forgiveness frees you from bitterness- To be in peace and to prevent the bitter poison from spreading to your heart, forgiving the person who has hurt us is essential. When you hold grudges against someone and hold back forgiveness, it just opens the door of bitterness, unhappiness, and insecurity, and even barricades the blessings that God wants to shower on you. And if you choose to forgive, then you are leaving the feeling of resentment and anger, and showing faith in him to heal you. 
• Because if you will take revenge, it will not be justified in the court of God- If you have felt the sting of betrayal from someone and have been hurt extremely harshly, then it’s obvious that a feeling of revenge can revolve around in your mind. Wanting justice for yourself is quite natural, as most people in the world believe in settling scores. But this is not the will of God. In other words, if you take revenge on someone who has hurt you, then in the court of God, it will not be defined as justice. The power of giving punishment lies in his hands only, as he is the eternal power and the lord. 
• Because Jesus showed us the way- Jesus our lord, our father is the greatest forgiver. In Luke 23:34, it is written, ”Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” That means that when Jesus was falsely accused, arrested, tortured, and crucified, he asked forgiveness from God for his sinners. Jesus has a great heart, he forgave his evildoers, so why can’t we humans forgive someone who has mistreated us? 
• Because forgiveness is healing to your relationship- It is quite evident, that in our lifetime people around us, say friends, family, spouse, cousins, siblings, and neighbors might do or say such things that could hurt you. That is because no one is perfect in life, everyone is sometimes rude, impolite, mean, selfish, angry, tempted, depressed, or messed up. If we do not forgive their actions, we are likely to hurt ourselves more and grow bitter and resentful towards them. And because of this, our relationship with our loved ones suffers, and if we learn to forgive, the connections tend to heal and grow. 

Benefits of granting forgiveness

By granting forgiveness to your wrongdoer, letting go of grudges with him will surely improve your health & peace of mind, along with certain other benefits such as; 

• Healthy relationships
• Improved mental health
• Less stress and anxiety
• Lesser symptoms of depression
• Optimum blood pressure
• Strong immune system
• Improved health of the heart
• Improved self-esteem

How to move towards the state of forgiveness? 

Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It is a practice where you need to have certain guts, to move towards this act of kindness.

• Recognizing the value of forgiveness and how it can change your life.
• Identifying the importance of getting healed and whom you want to forgive.
• Seek help from a counselor if necessary.
• Acknowledging your emotions and the harm caused to them. Recognize how those behaviors and emotions affect you in your daily schedule and work towards reducing the grudges.
• Forgive the person who has offended you and also release the control that the person had in your life. 

Wrapping up..

Forgiveness means different emotions to different people, but it is an intentional decision of letting go of anger and resentment. You can be highly offended by the actions of someone who has hurt you, by forgiving you are keeping yourself in a good mental state and closer to God. Holding grudges against someone is extremely easy, but forgiving is way too difficult. Thus, Gordon Grigg, a business consultant and life coach from Nashville, Tennessee strongly believes that we should live by the teaching of God and if we consider ourselves as God’s own child then forgiveness should be in our nature. 

All You Need to Know about Gaslighting, Its Examples, Signs, and Preventive Measures

Introduction to Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a kind of psychological abuse that makes an individual doubt their sanity and rationale. Victims of this malicious abuse often suffer from depression, anxiety, and other psychological diseases.

In this article, I will cover the subject of gaslighting in detail.

The first part of the article covers gaslighting definition and its common types. Later, I will discuss signs of gaslighting that will help you identify this abuse if it happens to you or your loved ones. I have also included some real-life stories of people who faced such manipulation. It will help you understand what gaslighting experience is. The last part includes some useful ways to save yourself from this emotional abuse. 

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting refers to a psychological manipulation through which the perpetrator controls his victim by twisting their sense of reality. A gaslighter clouds their victim’s reality by consistently presenting a false narrative and denying the actual truth.

In the beginning, the victim knows reality and tries to explain his perception to the abuser. Over time, the person on the receiving end becomes increasingly confused and drowns in self-doubt. He starts feeling that he can’t trust his perception or judgment, and ultimately he becomes dependent on the abuser.

Who is a Gaslighter?

A gaslighter is a person who attempts to gain control over others by making them feel crazy. They induce a sense in their victims that their perception of reality is not only mistaken but baseless and absurd.

They do this by sidestepping evidence that supports the victim’s testimony. This mean activity can be as simple as putting the keys in someone’s purse and insisting they put them themselves. Such incidents will affect the victim’s mental health if they occur repeatedly.

Anyone can do gaslighting, but people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder normally exhibit this manipulative behavior. They keep playing mind games on their victims until they start questioning their self-worth.

Examples of Gaslighting

Laura Corbeth

Gaslighting can happen in seemingly perfect romantic relationships, professional work environments, and even to children. No matter what the dynamic of this malicious practice is, there are always some common tactics used to make the other person doubt his sanity.

Here are a few examples of gaslighting tactics:

1. Negating

The gaslighter negates the victim’s memory of past events. Theyinsist that either the victim’s memory is flawed or he is just making up stories on purpose. The person being gaslit is left baffled and confused because he was telling the truth.

2. Pretending to Forget

The gaslighter pretends to have forgotten what happened when the victim brings up an abuse incident.

For example

The perpetrator might verbally abuse the victim and later act as if they don’t remember at all. The victim nervously exclaims, “how can you forget that!” but the abuser stays firm on his ground. They may even take a step further and say something like, if it had happened, I would have remembered that.

3. Dismissing Emotions

This situation involves making the victim feel that his negative emotions, like sadness, fear, or regret, are pointless and absurd. A gaslighter tells the victim that they are too sensitive and over-emotional.

When subjected to this behavior repeatedly, the victim is forced to hide his emotions and suffer in silence.

4. Withholding

The abuser blatantly refuses to listen to the victim’s viewpoint when confronted. Sometimes the gaslighter acts like they are caught up in a confusing conversation where nothing makes sense. Thus, implying that the victim is perplexing them on purpose.

5. Diverting

The abuser uses this tactic to save themselves from confrontation. Diverting is an attempt to change the subject when the victim brings something up.

They hijack the conversation by stressing over the credibility of what someone is saying rather than the content.

Examples of Gaslighting

Most Common Types of Gaslighting Scenarios

Gaslighting can occur in many different scenarios. Usually, it occurs within a vulnerable group of people or with an individual. Sweet (2019) states that gaslighting techniques often use stereotypes to attack specific vulnerabilities.

A gaslighter will make the victim question his self-worth by making statements like women are irrational, black women are aggressive, etc.

Here are some common types of gaslighting scenarios:

1. Gaslighting in Intimate Relationships

This situation commonly happens in heterosexual relationships where aman gaslights a woman. He uses common gender stereotypes to strengthen his claims about his partner’s sanity. The gaslighter often makes statements like women can’t handle pressure or are irrational.

2. Gaslighting and Gender

Gender-based gaslighting can be seen not only in homes but also in the legal system, healthcare system, and other social scenarios. Some examples of gender-based gaslighting are as follows:

· Gaslighting in Healthcare

Some women are gaslit by doctors who insist they exaggerate or imagine their symptoms. Women coming to the doctor’s office with legitimate symptoms are labeled hypochondriacs because the doctor believes that women are generally irrational and hysterical.

This leads to the worsening of symptoms dismissed by the healthcare professional and ultimately causes extreme complications.

I believe that the modern-day US is far from things like gender bias and stereotypes against women, but the truth is far from that.

· Gaslighting in Legal System

Gender-based gaslighting is commonly seen in sexual assault and child custody cases. The abuser might use gender stereotypes as their testimony against the woman. Police officers and judges often find this testimony credible enough to dismiss a woman.

· Collective Gaslighting

Collective gaslighting occurs when many women fall prey to the gaslight effect because of a statement or opinion of a public figure or media personality. If a celebrity sympathizes with an abuser and sides with him, this will make many people second-guess their stance on the issue at hand.

Cynthia A. Stark, Ph.D., has discussed public gaslighting in her paper, “Gaslighting, Misogyny and Psychological Oppression.” She gave the example of a CNN reporter who tried to put the rapists of a 16-year-old in a good light by talking about their football achievements and academic excellence.

· At Educational Institutes

A common example of gaslighting in school is the attempt of educators to undermine or deny the ongoing impact of racism in society. They might say that we should not keep dwelling in the past. Slavery is a past event and doesn’t impact present-day generations.

· Family and Friends

Racial gaslighting by friends and romantic partners can be as simple as making a racist joke and then insisting that it was just for laughs and should not be personalized.

When such behavior is repeated multiple times, the victim starts thinking they may be more tolerant towards such comments and jokes.

3. Gaslighting in Politics

Politicians use gaslighting to shift the public’s viewpoint about an issue or event in their favor.

The world has seen political gaslighting at a large scale during the Covid-19 pandemic. Some leaders gave statements declaring the deadly disease to be a conspiracy. Others downplayed the severity of the situation. Some tried to manipulate people’s minds by claiming there were no deaths because of oxygen shortage when the reality was quite the opposite.

Political gaslighters actively confuse and manipulate the masses to establish authority and gain control.

10 Signs of Gaslighting You Must Know to Avoid Miserable Situations

Soberish

Gaslighting is a dangerous form of emotional abuse. The term gaslighting was first coined in 1940, but this practice has been ruining people’s lives for ages. It is very important to educate oneself about the signs of gaslighting to spot it early on and save yourself from long-lasting damage.

Here are 10 signs of gaslighting you must know.

1. Black Lies

The abuser tells big lies, deliberately misrepresenting the facts to confuse or deceive the victim. You might be shocked to see the absurdity of falsehood they claim to be true.

Since the gaslighters keep insisting that they are right, you would be forced to reconsider your side of the story and make space for theirs.

2. Saving Themselves by Denying the Situation

When confronted, the gaslighters deny everything. They accuse you of blaming them without grounds. This situation is especially common when they make a hurtful comment or say something bad about your dear ones. When you bring up the subject, they will look into your eyes and say you are mistaken.

Statements like, you always forget my words or it’s okay you don’t remember what happened to you, confuse you and leave you disoriented.

3. Emotional Invalidation

If the gaslighter is your partner, you may feel your feelings are denied, rejected, or dismissed whenever you want to tell them how badly you are hurt. They will tell you time and time again that you are oversensitive and you should stop feeling that way.

If you feel scared that they are plotting against you, they will say you imagine things. If you tell them you are sad because of a snarky comment they made about you, they will label you “overly sensitive” or too weak to handle light humor.

A gaslighter can dismiss every negative emotion you feel towards them. If your partner never apologizes for their mistakes and tries to shift the blame on you, it is a big red flag.

4. Projection

A gaslighter doesn’t accept their wrongdoings. Instead, they will do everything in their power to shift the blame to you. A simple example of projection is breaking something accidentally and then insisting that you are the reason for that damage. Sometimes they use an indirect approach and say something like, it is your fault because you placed it there.

If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, they will respond by saying that you are the one who is cheating. Alternatively, they might accept their mistake but insist it was your fault.

5. They Can’t See You Happy

The goal of a gaslighter is to gain control over you and make you miserable. They will find issues with your lovely things. If you have children who make you feel complete, they will say things like; you don’t get enough time for yourself because of the kids. Slowly and gradually, they will make you think that they are right.

If you tell them that you love your job, they will point out that your salary needs to improve. This other person works half the number of hours and makes more money than you.

6. They Use Confusion as a Control Tactic

A confused person is neither confident nor happy. A gaslighter wants to do the same to you. If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, he will not leave any opportunity to confuse you. In addition to questioning your memory of past events, the abuser also makes his personality confusing for you.

They will keep you in ambiguity about the status of your relationship. You will need help to conclude the sincerity of your partner.

7. Buttering up

A gaslighter will butter you up before cutting you. As a part of the manipulation game, they shower love and affection, bring gifts, and give nice compliments. This love bombing will make you think they are not that bad. But before you know it, they will start belittling and harassing you.

This pattern will leave you disoriented about the reality of your life partner. The occasional extravagant display of affection also makes you minimize the abusive behavior or make room for it.

8. Altering Your Physical Environment

Altering the physical environment can take a toll on a person’s mental health. Imagine you come back from work and see a big massage chair in the lounge. You use it every day for a week, and one day it disappears. When you ask your partner about it, they say we never had a massage chair. You know for a fact that it was there but had nothing to prove that. Ultimately, you will start thinking that maybe you were so tired that you imagined being in a massage chair every day.

9. Attempting to Destroy Your Credibility

Your partner will express concern about your mental health to your family and friends. They might tell silly stories about your behavior to make their claims more believable. Hence, they will make your loved ones believe that.

• They are genuinely concerned about you.
• Your words can’t be trusted because your mental health is compromised.

This leaves you in this trap where everyone tells you; your partner is a good person, and you should continue the relationship. Moreover, if you tell your friends about his abusive behavior, they will find it hard to believe you. They will think you have gone crazy and keep making things up.

10. Making you dependent and lonely

The abuser will tell you stories about the people you trust to make you believe they are not sincere with you. They will instill in your mind that the people you hold so close to your heart hate you. This will eventually leave you in a foggy situation where you can’t figure out who can be trusted. They might encourage you to distance yourself from your friends and family. Ultimately, you will get lonelier than ever and stuck with the manipulator.

Worrying Effects of Gaslighting

The following effects of gaslighting will give you a clear understanding of how gaslighting affects your well-being.  

1. Immediate Effects

These effects are emotional in nature and do not take a lot of time to appear. The constant denial of the reality of the situation makes you confused and disoriented.

Due to gaslighting tactics, you may lose confidence and seek validation from others. You start questioning your self-worth and have low self-esteem.

Also, you will be seen as perplexed and sad.

One of the biggest effects of gaslighting is hopelessness. Being constantly ridiculed and undermined will result in losing hope in yourself and your relationships.

2. Long-Term Effects:

Over time, this malicious manipulation develops psychological effects. Common long-term effects of gaslighting are:

• Trauma
• Depression
• Anxiety
• PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

In extreme cases gaslighting leads to suicide.

You must consider these effects of gaslighting for prevention.

Real-Life Stories of People who Faced Gaslighting

1) 14 Years of Psychological Abuse

A woman stayed with a gaslighter for more than a decade!

Her husband would not spare a chance to lie to her. He was so good at lying that she could hardly suspect it. She had no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt.

He was habitual of teasing and calling her names. In the beginning, she defended him in front of her relatives, saying he was trying to be funny. Later, she realized that he was trying to tear her down.

That gaslighter was such a control freak that he would harm his son to scare his wife. She said her husband was jealous of his son because she loved him so much. 

Gaslighting meaning in a relationship is a lot more than infidelity. The wife reported that her husband would cheat on her repeatedly. He strategically distanced her from her family and friends so that he could cheat on her without getting caught. He would treat her nicely whenever he cheated on her to win her trust again. Sadly, he succeeded every single time. 

He told her friends that she had lost her mind and could not be trusted. She found out that his family referred to her as “crazy.” After 14 years of manipulation and abuse, she decided to cut ties with her abusive husband.

She moved to the farthest corner of the state with her children. She said it would take her a lot of time to recover. She found that traveling and sightseeing had a therapeutic effect on her. She travels frequently and is working on getting her confidence back.

2) Gaslighting to Cover up Infidelity

Sacha Sinclair was 3 months pregnant when she discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her. She was getting ready for the hospital to get her ultrasound done. This was the first time she would see her baby on the screen, so she was very excited but also a little disappointed because her boyfriend had to go to work at the last minute.

The boyfriend pocket-dialed her accidentally, and she heard his conversation with a colleague. He told him he had been seeing this other woman for a few weeks. He bragged that his girlfriend was clueless about the affair and treated him well.

Sacha was in tears and waited impatiently for her boyfriend to confront him. When she told him about the discourse she had overheard, he denied it completely. He told her that she should seek treatment for her mental condition because she keeps making things up. He said she was probably accusing him of infidelity because she was mad that he couldn’t go to the hospital with her. In fact, the problem was a lot bigger than that.

She reached out to the work colleague the boyfriend was talking to and asked him about the conversation. To her surprise, he denied it too! The gaslighter kept calling her psycho for making things up. She had to get rid of him to find peace.

3) Julie Arnold’s Story

Her husband gaslighted her for two reasons:

• To keep her from complaining about his infidelity
• To force her to continue the relationship with him.

When she discovered he was sleeping with other women, she told him she would divorce him. He called her insane and ruined her image by telling all her friends and family that she was crazy. At that time, they saw a marriage counselor make things work. Julie’s husband told her friends she saw a shrink for her psychological issues.

He played tricks like whispering her wife’s name. Another example is that she sold her car and saw someone driving it. She pointed and said, Look! That’s my car. He tried to confuse her by saying, “You never owned that car. What’s wrong with you?”

He made everyone believe that she was crazy. Thankfully, Julie was strong enough to know that she wasn’t.

Once she met her husband’s business partner at a gathering. He loudly said, “I am so happy to hear you are getting mental health care.” Everyone started staring at her, and she got embarrassed. Once, he whispered in her ear, “If you promise not to divorce me, I will stop telling everyone that you are crazy.”

These examples of gaslighting show how a gaslighter tries to take control of their victim. Julie took a stand for herself and divorced the narcissist as soon as she could. She is glad that she got out of that mess.

4) Gaslighting Shattered Her Confidence: Random Woman

This woman was dating a guy who made her feel like a princess. He always had good things to say about her appearance. He complimented her hair and fashion sense and even said he loved her manicure. After a brief period of love-bombing, he started making small jabs at her appearance. He resented her for not making the right changes in her appearance. He suggested that she should lose weight, have a better fashion sense, and wax her body hair. It felt like all of a sudden, nothing was beautiful about her.

She felt like he only looked at her to find flaws. It seemed that he was plotting to lower her self-esteem. Constant criticism impacted her self-worth. She started feeling guilty and insecure.

One day, a mutual friend asked him what he liked about his girlfriend. He pretended to think but had nothing to say. Hence, she decided to cut ties with him.

5) Gaslighting over Finances: Random Victim

This man gaslighted his girlfriend, who was paying for all his expenses. She was making a lot less than him but had to pay for everything because he was too stingy. One day, she confronted him, saying that this was unfair. To her surprise, he totally denied that this was the case. He called her ungrateful and accused her of lying.

She was extremely shocked and frustrated and decided to gather evidence to prove him wrong. She began writing down all transactions. A few days later, she confronted him again. He called her crazy again. So she showed him the record she had been keeping. Upon seeing the proof, he immediately tried to change the subject.

How to Prevent Gaslighting? 10 Ways to Counter Gaslighting

How to Stop Gaslighting?

These strategies will help you understand how to overcome the effects of gaslighting.

1. Don’t Jump to Conclusions

It takes time to spot gaslighting. It starts slow and reaches a problematic level over time. Just because your partner holds a different view than you doesn’t necessarily mean he is gaslighting you. Sometimes we all avoid certain conversations. It would be unfair to label someone a gaslighter for that.

Before jumping to a conclusion, you must take your time to understand whether you are living with a gaslighter or not. Get a clear understanding of the gaslighting definition and compare it with what you are experiencing.

A simple rule is to focus on what you are feeling and not so much on just their actions. The following feelings are persistent with being gaslit.

• Repeatedly second-guessing yourself
• Thinking you might be over-sensitive
• Feeling guilty and apologizing very often
• Feeling like you are losing your past self
• Lacking clarity
• Becoming antisocial because you can’t tell people about your situation

2. Keep Your Calm

A person who makes you feel crazy would be happy to see you frustrated and shouting like a maniac. You can handle any situation more effectively if you don’t react immediately. The best way to do this is to move away from the situation, either physically or mentally.

• You can go for a walk to move to a different location than the gaslighter. Alternatively, you can do breathing exercises, repeat an affirming mantra or slowly count to 10.

• Grounding techniques are effective in clearing your mind. Try grounding yourself with a visualization exercise or an object. 

3. Write Things down

Journaling is a great way to have clarity on past and present events. If you write things as they are happening, you will not fall prey to the gaslighter’s mind games.

Review your writings regularly to bring yourself out of the fog your abuser loves to put you in.

This practice will wear-off uncertainty and allow you to communicate with your abuser more confidently.

4. Gather Evidence

The biggest challenge faced by victims of this psychological manipulation is proving that there is abuse. Since the gaslighter tells everyone that their victim is insane, people are less likely to believe you.

You should actively gather the evidence before sharing your story with anyone. Here is what you can do:

• Take photos of your bruises if there is physical violence.
• Take screenshots of texts and emails.
• Note down conversations if you can.
• Alternatively, you can record conversations if possible.

5. Take a Stand for Yourself

Tolerance gives confidence to the gaslighter. Send a clear message to your abuser that you will not tolerate belittling comments and ridicule.

Don’t let them cover up by saying it was just for laughs. Ask them what about the joke makes them feel that it is funny. Digging deep this way will make them realize that they can’t mock you.

Speaking up is more effective in the case of workplace gaslighting. They can’t deny making a mean joke that other people have heard. In intimate relations, however, the abuser normally denies making bad comments. Since you are the only witness, they can conveniently come clean. 

6. Understand How They Try to Dominate Conversations

A gaslighter tries to confuse you by complicating the conversation. They would try to distract you from the subject by blaming or insulting you. They might try to shift the narrative using a made-up story. If you fully understand their tactics, you will be in a better position to take charge of the conversation and come to an agreement.

You should have a clear understanding of your goals for a particular conversation. Watch out for the manipulative tactics a gaslighter uses to confuse you.

Try to keep the conversation simple. If the conversation gets circular and unfair, it is time to move away from it gracefully.

7. Trust Your Memory

The abuser will try to convince you that you don’t remember things correctly because your memory is bad. Do the same as he does to prevent them from making you feel stupid. They tell a distorted version of a past event and insist it is the truth. In that situation, you can avoid gaslighting by sticking to your version of events.

You can say, “we remember things differently,” if they insist you are wrong.

This strategy will create a situation where both of you have a 50% chance of being wrong. Gaslighters hate this. They want to prove that they are 100% correct and you are completely wrong. This situation can only happen with you distrusting your memory.

8. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is probably not a direct answer for how to stop gaslighting. However, it relaxes the mind and makes you better equipped to deal with negative emotions.

It is as simple as taking out 30 minutes for yourself. You can practice self-care by:

• Working-out
• Talking to family and friends
• Doing yoga or meditation
• Engaging in a hobby
• Focusing on skin and hair care
• Prioritize sleep

9. Share Your Experience with Others

Build a support network by sharing your experience with empathic people. Your support network may have your family, friends, and others who sympathize with you. Research has shown that social support can work wonders in countering gaslighting.

It is very important to tell your loved one the truth about the situation. Otherwise, they might buy the made-up stories told by the gaslighter.

10. Seek Professional Support

The long-term effects of gaslighting ruin your mental health. It is important to resort to therapy before the symptoms worsen. Some people might need a lot of time to get their confidence back.

If you have low self-esteem or trouble trusting your memory, you must see a shrink—some effects of gaslighting need medical intervention, e.g., PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

Conclusion

Gaslighting is an abusive practice that makes a person doubt his sanity. Narcissists commonly exhibit such behavior.

This emotional abuse devastates a person’s confidence, self-esteem, and mental health. Usually, it occurs in intimate relations but is not limited to that. It can also be seen in workplaces, politics, and schools. Gaslighting by parents is also a common instance.

If you feel you are being gaslit, you should immediately take these preventive steps to save yourself.

Importance of Understanding Gaslighting and Life Coaching

Gaslighting is a menace. Therefore, you need to get rid of it. However, you may only counter it effectively with proper counseling. Therefore, consulting a life coach and counselor is one of the essential strategies to counter gaslighting effects. As a professional life coach, I understand the adverse effects of gaslighting on your personality. Therefore, I help my clients relieve gaslighting signs and effects.

Are you facing gaslighting effects from an emotional or psychological abuser?

Let’s have a free consultation to moderate your personality from the itching effects of gaslighting.

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Fundamental Human Needs You Must Know

Have you ever considered what drives people to act the way they do?

Why do people appreciate attention and status as measures of success and value but disregard self-satisfaction?

What power governs and directs all of our feelings, deeds, levels of happiness, and fates?

Did you know that understanding basic human needs can help you to understand the answers to these questions better?

Back-to-basics living, tiny homes, minimalism, and less-is-more are always to ensure that our basic needs are addressed without being diverted by the flashy things in life. Humans can observe via research and millennia of history that we require fulfillment of some basic human needs for life satisfaction.

We all have these needs simply by being human; they are ontological needs rather than wants. You may achieve your goals and avoid harmful behaviors and habits by being aware of your needs and psychology.

There are categories of needs that make up basic human needs collectively. These needs apply to every person in every culture, generation, and continent. However, how these needs are expressed varies among individuals depending on their phenotypes.

Additionally, satisfaction varies among persons, cultures, and ages. Strong communities were built by strong individuals and made people stronger. Even if the world has changed, basic human needs continue to play the same function.

Why ShouldYou Understand Fundamental Human Needs?

Satisfying our basic needs will lead to success in life. Your ability to become the best version of yourself depends on your ability to comprehend your needs. There is no way to influence or empower anyone or any group than to recognize and deliver their basic human needs.

Meeting human needs is the key to influence. You create a sense of meaning in your life when you meet your fundamental needs. This fulfillment brings enormous advantages of leading a life with depth and significance.

What are Basic Human Needs?

Basic human needs are the motivation behind people’s behavior. And these needs are the desire to lead a healthy and stable life. These needs are necessary for generating typical human conduct and functioning that satisfies the ethical requirements of a good human life. The list of basic needs includes food, water, clothing, and shelter. Numerous contemporary lists affirm fulfilling basic needs, such as food, water, shelter, clothing, education, a peaceful environment, healthcare, and sanitation.

Types of Human Needs

You can differentiate the types of human needs into multiple categories. Here, we have categorized human needs according to Maslow’s theory of human needs.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs defines two need categories; deficiency and growth needs.

The causes of deficiency needs are:

• Lack and Absence
• Scarcity of physical needs
• Lack of security, social needs, and esteem.

Fulfilling these lacking demands is essential. It will help prevent negative emotions and results.

Furthermore, Maslow referred to the top needs as growth needs. These needs aren’t a result of deficiency. Instead, these needs come out of the desires we have for growth.

6 Significant and Modern Human Needs

After Maslow’s theory, psychologists, neurologists, and sociologists have been conducting their research on human needs. They have come up with this list of human needs since 1943.

• Food:

Food is an essential human need. You must understand how to develop, function, and work by utilizing healthy food. Our daily food requirements are nutrients like proteins, fats, and carbohydrates. A strong and healthy personality is a result of eating good food.

• Water:

Water is a fundamental human need. It enables the proper functioning of the body.

• Shelter:

Shelter is one of the most important needs. It protects us from the burning sun, cold weather, rain, snow, and other harms.

• Sleep:

The brain needs regular sleep daily for proper body execution and maintenance. Regular sleep reduces stress and increases productivity.

• Emotional and Physical Interaction:

Adults need to interact (emotionally or physically) with other people to release specific hormones like oxytocin.

• Novelty:

Dopamine is released in the brain when something is novel since it offers the chance to learn and possibility to fail.

When these six needs are satisfied, a person can grow in self-worth, security, belonging, actualization, and other expressions of contentment, as stated by Abraham Maslow.

Abraham Maslow’s Theory: 5 Levels of Human Needs

Social sciences have put great effort into identifying basic human needs. John Burton, Edward L. Deci, Manfred Max-Neef, Frederick Herzberg, Clayton Alderfer, and many others have made great contributions.

Additionally, Abraham Maslow was a prominent American psychologist. In 1943, he introduced the theory of the hierarchy of psychological needs. The theory was named “The Theory of Human Motivation.”  This theory suggests that human needs (mentioned below) influence people’s decision-making. Maslow (1954) claimed that the foundation of the human behavioral drive could be divided into five categories:

• Physiological needs
• Safety and security needs
• Social needs (Love and Belonging)
• Esteem needs

And

• Self-actualization needs

Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

1. Physiological Needs

Physiological needs are:

• Food
• Water
• Air
• Shelter
• Rest
• Sleep
• Breathing
• Homeostasis
• Reproduction
• Excretion
• Warmth

And many more!

These are a few examples of human survival needs. According to Maslow’s original version, these are biological requirements for human survival.

• Safety Needs

The following things are included in safety needs:

• Security
• Employment
• Structure
• Protection
• Property
• Order
• Certainty
• Resources
• Self-care
• Leisure
• Control
• Healthcare
• Amusement

And many more!

There are multiple examples of safety and security needs. All these needs fall into the category of fundamental human needs.

• Social Needs (Love and Belonging)

Social needs are the third stage of Maslow’s pyramid. These represent the lower needs and focus on interpersonal relationships.

• Esteem

It relates to the necessity of esteem and a sense of fulfillment. Abraham Maslow clearly defines two types of self-esteem:

• One is esteem dependent on the assessment
• Other esteem is based on respect and appreciation from others.
• Self-Actualization

Finding your occupation, growing personally, and achieving ethical enlightenment are crucial. You may notice this need. These needs fall into the category of self-actualization.

Expanded Hierarchy of Needs

The 7 fundamental human needs are an expanded version of Maslow’s 5 stage version of needs and categories of desires rather than specific needs. It would be best to refer to them as the 7 categories of fundamental human needs.

The following are expanded fundamental needs:

• Survival and safety
• Growth and understanding
• Love and acceptance
• Creation and contribution
• Identity, esteem, and significance
• Justice, freedom, and self-direction
• Self-actualization and self-exaltation

Maslow’s Motivation Model

Tony Robbins’ Concept of 6 Fundamental Human Needs

According to Tony Robbins, 6 fundamental human needs are:

• Certainty: Certainty ensures you can escape suffering and experience pleasure.

• Uncertainty: Uncertainty is the desire for novelty and change.

• Significance: This need is a sense of being distinctive and significant.

• Love: Love is a strong connection of understanding, help, and togetherness. As a result, you will feel attached to someone or something.

• Growth: Growth represents an enhancement in knowledge, skill, and understanding domains.

• Contribution: This fundamental need refers to the commitment to aiding, supporting, and giving to others.

Nain’s Pyramid of Needs

It is an alternative theory to Maslow’s framework.

• Survival Needs – Survival Needs are similar to Maslow’s physiological needs.

• Wants – These represent the current desires. However, they became necessities over time due to lifestyle changes.

• Practical Survival Needs – These needs are essential for productivity in an office. Therefore, they are also referred to as “office survival needs.”

• Desires – Desires are optional for a sustainable lifestyle. They add happiness and value to your life.

• Wishes – These are necessities that are not required frequently. You can still be happy without them.

• Whims – Whims represent imaginary motivations or courage for something. For instance, you imagine getting a CEO job overnight.

History: Theories of Human Needs in Social Work

The foundational ideas of social work practice, particularly the “life model” of practice, have traditionally been centered on human needs principles. Charlotte Towle, a social worker, was the first to take the issue of human needs seriously. She discussed this in her book “Common Human Needs.”

David Gil’s Contribution to Human Needs

In recent years, David Gil has supported the human needs theory for social work. David Gil presented a hierarchy of human needs that includes:

• Self-actualization
• Spiritual needs
• Rewarding employment

and

• A sense of security based on fulfilling relationships and jobs.

Theories of Human Need

In recent years, human needs theory in social work and its application have boomed. The earliest formal, intellectually developed theory of human needs was called Theories of Human Need. Political economist Gough and philosopher Doyal developed it. This theory states the hierarchical relationship among:

• Basic social needs
• Cultural satisfiers
• Intermediate needs

and

• Health and autonomy

Conclusion

For a long time, social work theory, practice, and research have included basic human needs. However, human needs have long been a neglected idea. Published social work literature has always highlighted social justice and has included human rights. Whether you agree with Maslow’s theory or not, it sheds light on humans’ various needs.

Most importantly, you can improve your productivity and efficiency by understanding your essential needs.

In this regard, I help my clients to increase their productivity and self-satisfaction by providing valuable insights into their needs.

I am Gordon Grigg – A professional life coach and business consultant. Reach out to me for any queries regarding your needs. I will guide you to increase your life sustainability and business growth via valuable life and business consultancy.